Out of Alignment

I’m out of alignment. I have felt it for months. I don’t like it. It disappoints me to my core. And I keep making choices that keep me out of alignment.

My life has slowed down in the last couple of years and that is a good thing for me. I have watched myself change from someone that pushes to do and to get things done at all costs to someone with a bit more of a relaxed pace and someone who is tired of “doing” all the time.

I must say that I like it. Mostly. The part that I’m not thrilled with is that this has led to a very different response when I am feeling overwhelmed or anxious.

I now find myself getting paralyzed through avoidance and procrastination. Not in the day-to-day stuff, I can keep that going like nobody’s business. But when it comes to things that matter, or I am worried won’t be good enough, enter procrastination and paralysis.

Procrastination leading to paralysis looks for me like streaming binges (ones that aren’t breaks but are avoidance). It looks like social media scrolling, which I don’t normally do. It looks like obsessively following the ever-changing news. It looks like wanting to go to bed at 8 pm every night. And the longer this happens, the more it happens. And then I am very aware that what I am doing does not feel good to me or for me.
Usually at this point I am great at coming to the rescue with a plan (often a multi-faceted plan) that, when executed correctly, will fix me! But that’s rarely what I need. The basic self-care I'm usually pretty good at keeping going. What I really need are the practical acts of self-care that I'm avoiding—not because they're complicated, but because they require me to stop avoiding the very things I know would help me feel better.

I really do know what I need do and want to do and how I want to feel. But sometimes I just don’t do those things. I just don’t. And that is when the shame kicks in. I am 99% sure I am not writing anything novel or new or unique to me right now. I know I’m not because I talk people through this for a living—for a living!

And what do I tell others as I do this for a living?

I tell them it’s okay.
I tell them sometimes life is just like this.
I tell them that shaming themselves has clearly not been working and so maybe a different approach is needed.
I tell them they are waaayyy harder on themselves then they ever would be with someone else.
I tell them they need to find some compassion and grace for themselves.
I tell them it doesn’t get fixed (and probably can’t be) in the magic “This will fix it!” list.

And you know what? I truly believe this with all my heart! I really do! I also believe that the first step to feeling back in alignment with myself is to take the advice I would give others. I will say it’s easier to give this advice than to practice it…

I think the reason I get so upset with myself when this happens is that it really matters to me that I practice what I preach. It matters to me the most about who I am and how I show up in this world. It breaks my own heart when I don’t.
So here is what I have to offer. Today, as I was feeling all-kinds-of-bad about myself I was able to remember that feeling like that doesn’t change anything. Awareness of how I have been feeling and being honest with myself about why matters, but shame doesn’t change the past or how I feel right now.

Right now, it is time to ask the right question: one that points me back in the direction I long to live in, one that makes me feel like I am a good person that is ultimately trying to do her best. The best question at times like these is, “What is one thing I can do right now that is in alignment with how I want to live and feel?”

Lau Tzu said it most famously, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” But Dave Mattews sang in You Might Die Trying, “To change the world, start with one step. However small, the first step is the hardest of all.” And I’m a huge Dave Matthews Band fan!

The step I took today was to write it out and to not hide it. If being in alignment matters to me, then it seems like the step back into that is to be honest with myself and others. And I can do that.

And always remember, one step matters. Not because one action fixes everything. But because one step starts it all😊💜