Questions That Kill

Or don't. Or could. Ot might. Or the whole concept is overly dramatic. But still... My experience is that these are the questions that can kill. Kill ideas. Kill reaching out. Kill being your best self. Kill hope.

Here are my questions. The ones that keep me feeling useless and that cause me to doubt myself or to hide or quit or to waffle back-and-forth and the questions that keep me silent.

Who am I to have a voice?
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I a fraud?
Why say anything when there are a million people saying the same thing and saying it better than I can?
Am I failing my clients?
Am I a burden to my family?
Was my choice to adopt the thing that destroyed everyone’s life?
Am I ever doing enough?
If my reach isn’t big, does it even matter?
How the hell did everyone manage to homeschool their kids for 5 hours a day?
Am I doing the wrong thing by working from home when everyone has to go back to work?
I have black kids, why didn’t I go to the protests?
Am I helping them in the way they need or am I just fucking up?
Am I just hiding from the issues in the world by staying in my house?
Why do I keep ending up alone?
Why can’t I just let go of caring about the size of my body?
Why can’t I just let go of everything?
Why can’t I just let go of anything?
Why do I still feel lonely when I have so many people I know love me?
Why am I so awful at being a mom?
Why can’t I even be a decent dog-mom?
Why won’t I just fucking call the guy to do my front yard?
Why can I give compassion to all the people around me and not myself?
Why am I so tired when I’m not doing all that much?
Why am I not doing more?
Why am I not doing more?
Why am I not doing more?

Am I alone in these questions? When I feel the worst, I think I am. When I am in my most real place, I know I’m not. But I also know exactly how I would answer these questions for the peeps I love and I know that I don’t offer myself the same kind of compassion.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

Gandhi’s usually attributed these words, but we don’t know for sure. Regardless of who said it, it is the thing I believe to be the most important thing we can do as individuals. It’s actually on my license plate. It really is!!

And it is the answer to all of the questions that kill. If I ask myself if I am trying to bring energy into the world that is of value, if I ask myself if I am being the change I crave to see in the world, I can answer that I am trying.

I try as much as I can and I keep trying again when I realize I’ve lost focus. I’m not perfect. I’m not always on my game. I’m sometimes lost in my own self. I’m sometimes just in a place of self-pity.

But I don’t stay there. I keep trying.

I hope I’m the kind of person that will continue to keep trying. I believe I’m the kind of person that will keep trying. I have so far. That’s what I have to remind myself in the face of the questions that kill. Or don’t. Or could. Or might...😊💜